We can all spot a douche-bag a mile away but what if you are the douche-bag. Would you know it? Could you look in the mirror and say to your own reflection, “What a douche?” Probably not. That’s the problem with douche-baggery, when it lurks inside you it’s invisible to your own eyes. Everyone else and I mean every single solitary person around you sees it as clear as day, but you, poor confused douche-bag are blind.
Don’t fret. Help is here. Below are five warning signs that you may be a douche-bag. If you recognize that you have even one, chances are someone has muttered, “What a douche” behind your back. If you do not recognize yourself in any of the follow, congratulations! You’re probably a really cool person or you are such a huge douche you can’t see it. To be sure, let someone you know read the list and if they glance at you sideways a number of times… ding ding ding, you’re a douch-bag!
1. You Watch Porn and Think That’s What Real Sex Is
Look, I get it. Watching porn is fun, but if you are duplicating porn moves in the bedroom and expecting women to do the same, then thinking they must be frigid when they are not into it, you’re a douche. Real woman don’t want to be bent up like a pretzel and jack-hammered like the energy bunny. Real women are not brought to the brink of orgasm at the sheer joy of giving you a blow-job. Here’s a tip. Women don’t have a clitoris in their mouth. No amount of sucking on your penis is going to give them an orgasm. The women in these movies are moaning and groaning with bliss because they are thinking about how much money they are making. A real woman is in bed with you for the same reason you are, to have a big O. Ignore her needs and expect her to act like a porn star and that makes you a douche-bag.
PS – Ladies, flipping your hair, screaming your head off, faking orgasms, and putting on a big show only adds to the false illusion and makes you a douche-bag too.
2. You Rip Your Shirt Off Every Time There Is a Conflict.
Yes, yes, we all see your big muscles. (Yawn) If every time you have a disagreement or conflict with another person you rip your shirt off and act like a big gorilla, you are a douche. Just because you have bigger muscles it doesn’t mean you win the argument. Try using that big muscle between your ears and settle disagreements like a man. Grow up and as our kindergartner teachers used to say, “Use your words.”
3. You hurt animals.
4. You Treat Service Workers As Less Than Human.
You may think you impress that hot lady friend when you snap orders at the waitress shout at the bartender or embarrass a bus boy. In your mind you’re saying, she sees, “I command respect.” In her mind she’s thinking, “How much longer until I can dump this douche-bag?” People work hard for a living and trying to make them look small to inflate your ego just screams, “I am a big baby with a tiny penis who still wants his mommy.” Treat people with respect and guess what? People will respect you back. It’s pretty simple.
PS – Ladies, this goes for you too. Diva is just a girly word for douche-bag.
5. You Think Anyone Who Isn’t Exactly Like You Is Less Than.
Let’s face it, the one thing all douche-bags have in common is thinking that anyone who isn’t exactly like them is somehow less worthy of being on this planet. It doesn’t matter what color your skin is, what religion you are, where you were born, what your sexuality is, if you think other people were put on this planet to be just like you that makes you a douche-bag. The only other people you will find common ground with is other douche-bags.
Douche-bags come in all shapes and sizes. They live all over the world and speak different languages. When you hate someone for being different than you and they hate you back for the same reason, take heart, shake hands, hug it out and recognize you are both douche-bags. At least it’s a start.